Fuck logic, I’m getting on this ride.
I have just fallen deeply in love with a roller coaster!
It varies from time to time.
Last night I was thinking about the developmental stages people go through over their life-times and how we are not all at the same stage in life.. It’s like we are really metamorphizing into a different kind of creature and it can have a real effect on our behaviour and personalities.
I was also thinking about how we are all time travellers. We can look back to the past, experience the moment we call “present” and visualize and achieve the future. Sometimes I wonder what the me’s that split off from the “current” me are experiencing.. what choices are they making. and why do I feel so confident when I move forward when I’m capable of making mistakes?
I think about how karma might work, and that’s what scares me, because I’m constantly in fear that I’ll have to play the part of the bad girl/guy in this lifetime or another just so I can experience everything imaginable. I really hope the universe is waaaaaaaaaay bigger than I can comprehend or that karma isn’t what I believe it is. Or maybe I should just take it easy.. it’s just so hard to relax and I want to understand people even though there are a few that I consider “evil” but once I understand them I start to empathize with them and make their choices seem less severe in my head, which makes me think that maybe because I’m the only one being understanding, they’re actually using their influence to try to change me..
I also often wonder how my words affect others. Do I cause epiphanies that blow peoples’ minds, that they can’t comprehend and screw with their heads and ways of doing things? Is it really okay to help open someone’s mind or is there a proper/ethical way to do it? Basically I worry when I’m saying too much, as if I’m giving out spoilers.. Maybe I believe what I believe in too strongly, and I expect other people to immediately recognize what I say as truth.
I had an experience where it felt like someone was looking straight through me, and it felt like an unwelcome epiphany, as if I wasn’t ready to see myself in that light yet.
Later on, someone I admired said something that sounded profound as if it was the truth and I didn’t know how to take it. It was like he was saying the world belongs to him, and I have no place in his world because I’m too emotional.. but I admired him anyways.
My heart is crying for him because he went through so much pain. Maybe that sympathy I felt for him and the song my heart was singing for him is similar to a prayer, but that prayer was unwelcome, and/or I became selfish and expectant.
It’s scary when love becomes blind.. so scary that despite my emotions being strong and fluid, I try to structure my emotional patterns. It’s like trying to tame the sea.. The sea is meant to be wild and deep and vast.
Oh God, I hate this ridiculous idea that men are incapable of having friendships with women without secretly wanting sex with them. Personally, I have many friends who are women and I genuinely just want friendship from them. It really pusses me off that men all over the internet are telling women that the guy they’re friends with secretly wants to have sex with them, because while it is undoubtedly true in some cases, in others it is not. Personally, I don’t want my friends who are women to think I have some secret desire to get in their pants.
I guess what I was trying to say is that friendships across the gender divide are different, and I think it takes most women longer to develop emotional intimacy with men than women. That isn’t to say emotional intimacy never happens, but I think it generally takes more trust.
Almost 20 years ago, the day after Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed, a teacher in a small town in Iowa tried a daring classroom experiment. She decided to treat children with blue eyes as superior to children with brown eyes. Frontline explores what those children learned about discrimination and how it still affects them today.